Over the next few days, I’m sharing 5 super personal stories around INTIMACY that I feel need to be told, so we can all learn from them and choose a different path.
Here’s part 2.
It’s one thing to be resolute about changing something as big as the impact of a narcissistic mother and emotionally unavailable father while starting a family of your own and it’s another to actually do it.
But, I’m on a mission. I’m not going to end up like my mother.
In fact, on my wedding day, I put Greg and one of my brothers on notice by giving them permission to say, “You’re being just like your mother,” if I become complete bitch.
Those are fighting words and I’ve given them away carte blanche without any remorse – that’s how serious I am about creating a new way.
Because, you see, my mother wasn’t born into a self-absorbed, bitter woman. She didn’t play in her sandbox thinking, “I’m going to grow up and emasculate my husband and berate my daughter.”
It didn’t just happen overnight.
She was conditioned into it.
Slowly, but relentlessly.
She was emotionally altered by her mother.
My grandmother took away any confidence my mother may have developed as her mother (my great grandmother) took it away from her.
This goes back generations and generations.
The women on my mother’s side are an embittered lot.
My grandmother was the eldest of 11 and her mother left this little girl to care for all of the children, that’s right, 11 of them, during the Great Depression. So, my grandmother’s joy factor was zero. Zilch. Nada.
Her mother before her was a poor pregnant teenager without an education.
Going back through the line, there’s no joy – only duty and bitterness. You have to go back to the Gnostics actually to find any joy.
Years, decades, centuries – no wonder my mother wasn’t happy. Her DNA’s programmed for absolutely no joy.
Wait, I’m screwed as I have the same DNA.
My DNA is programmed for joylessness and if mine is, then my children’s will be too.
When I realize this, it shakes me to the core.
NOT ON MY WATCH.
I’m on a mission to break this chain.
I won’t tolerate another generation of overlooked and unloved children.
I know how to begin as I’ve had an astrologer for years and I’ve met my mentor for Akashic records healing.
I also call in a shaman and take every intuitive and energy workshop I can find. I pursue heart opening with a vengeance.
I’ve had experiences that seem surreal now:
- Meeting my ancestors on both sides traveling back through to the Gnostics on the maternal-maternal side and to Ancient Rome on my paternal-paternal side;
- Reconciling many past lives filled with persecution and violence, not belonging, dying too early, drowning in ghastly ways and being both the victim and victimizer;
- Knowing my past relates back to Atlantis, Avalon and Lemuria;
- Shamanic healing involving legions of women offering me peace, power and protection;
- Recognizing my personal lineage goes back to John Dee, astrologer to the Queen;
- Responding to the ancestral request to bring joy to the entire line;
- Participating in a Kundalini yoga weekend for heart opening;
- Chanting with 100’s for 5-hours to open the heart’s knowing;
- Learning of my children’s soul lineage for healing and recovery;
- Discovering my shared karma with Greg for curative methods;
- Opening all future possibility for each and every one of us.
Reading the potential for my family members, I know deep in my heart, the chains of the unloved and overlooked are broken. (Also, I’ve gone back through the lines and yes, they are indeed broken and incredible healing has been done.)
All of this is amazing yet even with this healing and heart exploration, I still don’t know my KWAN.
I’m closer to it, certainly, but I don’t have it all of the way yet.
And I’m a 100% kind of person.
So, there’s more to come – much, much more.
Hit reply if you have any healing epiphanies or remarkable stories to share. I would to hear all about them!