Over these past few days, I’ve been sharing 5 super personal stories around INTIMACY that I feel need to be told, so we can all learn from them and make the best choices.
Here’s part 4.
Life continues even when you’re on the luge of self-discovery. Kids grow, careers change, families come together or fall apart – life goes on.
My parents and I have undergone a separation that I would like to say is initiated smoothly by my path of self-discovery.
Initiated? Yes. Smooth? No.
It starts a few years prior when I want to reconcile my relationship with my mother. She wants to be close friends as well as mother and grandmother. Yet, it’s not safe for me to do this, so I dance around it.
Finally, I sit her down and using my hands, explain that our relationship is like a Venn diagram. Yes, we have overlapping similarities, yet we also have differences. These similarities are easy, but the differences can be interesting too.
I tell her I don’t begin and end with her. There’s more to me and she may be pleasantly surprised at what she finds.
It’s well received and lasts for exactly one conversation.
A few months later, one of my brothers goes off the rails by one of our interactions and I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say what ensues is both enlightening and earth-shattering.
I essentially get kicked out of my family and it all begins with the Venn diagram conversation.
The fact that I feel I’m different is received as I think I’m better than everyone else, so
when there’s a rift in the family it’s utterly put upon me.
During one awful conversation, I ask my parents, “Why do you love my brothers more than you love me?”
Now, lawyers know this, but I’m not a lawyer. Don’t ever ask a question you don’t want the answer to, because in this case, I got answered. Yup, my parents went on to explain why they love my brothers more than me.
Even still, I wasn’t done. At this point, I have two pre-teens who’ve gotten use to their grandparents and relatives around, especially on holidays.
So, I go back for more.
One final time.
I sit and write a heart-wrenchingly open letter to my parents. To give context, I’ll share the last section:
“I’m just your daughter standing naked before you. Totally vulnerable. Scared. Alone. Asking you to see me, know me and love me.”
I send it. Then I wait.
It doesn’t take long. I’m called and told to come over right away to ‘have a talk’.
This is foreboding, so with trepidation and dread, I decide to go.
I load my pockets with amethyst and rose quartz, include my Tarot Empress card and drive the longest 10 minutes of my life.
I enter my parent’s kitchen, again my eyes shining with yearning and shyness, to be met with anger, defiance and scolding.
It’s no Hallmark moment. There won’t be any reconciliation.
I sit in utter angst for those first moments as I hear how wrong I am about so many things.
I want to curl up and wither away and then I touch the card and stones in my pocket.
As I do so, I remember.
I remember who I am. I remember all of my gifts. I remember what I’ve been put on this Earth to do.
I remember how I want to be different than my mother and in this moment, I know without a doubt, I am nothing like her.
There is no circumstance I can ever imagine that I would respond to one of my children in this way.
As I sit and receive pure venom, I heal.
I know myself – deeply and completely.
I like myself – oh, so much.
I trust in myself, and the fact that I can under these conditions, is a miracle.
Now, that I’ve put myself into such a vulnerable position with my own parents and survived, I know I can be vulnerable with my closest people.
Hit reply. I’ll bear witness to your greatest vulnerability if you want to share.
P.S. Tomorrow you get all of the goodies.