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Journey

Intimacy Part 5

Why You Need to Take the Intimacy Plunge

Over these past few days, I’ve been sharing 5 super personal stories around INTIMACY that I feel need to be told, so we can all learn from them and make the best choices.    

Here’s part 5. 

Intimacy. 

It’s such a sexy word invoking thoughts of romance and sensuality. 

Yet, the true meaning of intimacy is ‘into me you see’

Intimacy relates directly to the KLT factor. 

Knowing, liking and trusting yourself prepares you for intimacy at the deepest levels. 

In intimacy, you know, like and trust each other – unwaveringly. 

It’s been a handful of years since my epiphany sitting before my parents and I can say without a doubt, I’ve got this know, like and trust – thus the intimacy thing, down. 

All I have to do is look around me and at the life I’ve created. 

I have a deeply intimate business helping female leaders shed the expectations of others to live their true life purpose. We delve into all aspect of their lives and I’ve got them every step of the way. 

I have such close friends, I wear them. If you watch me on video, I talk about licking them I’m so close with them. I’ve got to the mat and back again with each (and would do so again today in a heartbeat.)  

I have two happy teenagers, yes even now, who are centered in knowing exactly who they are and what their gifts are in the world. 

I have a 22-year loving marriage with my soul mate, Greg, who I love more and more every day.  We’re perfectly imperfect for each other and I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I do him. 

I walk with the Divine in intimacy every moment of every day. My connection goes into the heart of Mother Earth and up through the Holy Spirit to the face of God. I commune with Jesus with each breath and honestly, there’s nothing I’ve experienced in such an intimate way.

I live each day with a completely open heart, following her wisdom at every moment. 

I am a living version of intimacy ‘into me you see’. 

I’m intimate in all areas of my life – with myself, with the Divine, friends, family, clients. 

Life is so much richer when you live in intimacy. 

You receive gems on a daily basis, especially in the simple moments. 

During the Full Moon a few days ago, Greg and I shared a moment that wouldn’t be possible without emotional intimacy – its deepest kind.

It happened as I looked at him cleaning the kitchen after dinner and realized he loves to serve me. He truly LOVES to serve me and I know deep in my heart that this is an expression of his total acceptance and unconditional love for me. It’s such a simple thing, but filled completely with love. 

I don’t think these words convey the meaning of this moment all I can say is I’ll cherish it forever. 

We have total acceptance and unconditional love for each other and our children. I have total acceptance and unconditional love for my dear friends and clients. 

Life in intimacy is it. 

It’s everything. 

In fact, it’s my KWAN. 

Who would have known 25 years ago in that NYC café when I was pressed to define my KWAN, it would have been intimacy? 

Intimacy creates trust. 

It provides connection and knowing. 

It brings happiness, joy and love. 

I invite you to join me at this intimate level. 

Intimacy changes your life into one of endless possibility. 

Who wouldn’t want that? 

For an article on the different levels of intimacy, read here. 

If you want to live your life in intimacy, connect with me here. 

xxx, Kim

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Journey

Intimacy Part 4

Over these past few days, I’ve been sharing 5 super personal stories around INTIMACY that I feel need to be told, so we can all learn from them and make the best choices.    

Here’s part 4. 

Life continues even when you’re on the luge of self-discovery. Kids grow, careers change, families come together or fall apart – life goes on. 

My parents and I have undergone a separation that I would like to say is initiated smoothly by my path of self-discovery. 

Initiated? Yes. Smooth? No. 

It starts a few years prior when I want to reconcile my relationship with my mother. She wants to be close friends as well as mother and grandmother. Yet, it’s not safe for me to do this, so I dance around it. 

Finally, I sit her down and using my hands, explain that our relationship is like a Venn diagram. Yes, we have overlapping similarities, yet we also have differences. These similarities are easy, but the differences can be interesting too. 

I tell her I don’t begin and end with her. There’s more to me and she may be pleasantly surprised at what she finds. 

It’s well received and lasts for exactly one conversation. 

A few months later, one of my brothers goes off the rails by one of our interactions and I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say what ensues is both enlightening and earth-shattering. 

I essentially get kicked out of my family and it all begins with the Venn diagram conversation. 

The fact that I feel I’m different is received as I think I’m better than everyone else, so 

when there’s a rift in the family it’s utterly put upon me. 

During one awful conversation, I ask my parents, “Why do you love my brothers more than you love me?” 

Now, lawyers know this, but I’m not a lawyer.  Don’t ever ask a question you don’t want the answer to, because in this case, I got answered. Yup, my parents went on to explain why they love my brothers more than me. 

Even still, I wasn’t done. At this point, I have two pre-teens who’ve gotten use to their grandparents and relatives around, especially on holidays. 

So, I go back for more. 

One final time. 

I sit and write a heart-wrenchingly open letter to my parents. To give context, I’ll share the last section:

“I’m just your daughter standing naked before you. Totally vulnerable. Scared. Alone. Asking you to see me, know me and love me.” 

I send it. Then I wait. 

It doesn’t take long. I’m called and told to come over right away to ‘have a talk’. 

This is foreboding, so with trepidation and dread, I decide to go. 

I load my pockets with amethyst and rose quartz, include my Tarot Empress card and drive the longest 10 minutes of my life. 

I enter my parent’s kitchen, again my eyes shining with yearning and shyness, to be met with anger, defiance and scolding. 

It’s no Hallmark moment. There won’t be any reconciliation. 

I sit in utter angst for those first moments as I hear how wrong I am about so many things. 

I want to curl up and wither away and then I touch the card and stones in my pocket. 

As I do so, I remember. 

I remember who I am. I remember all of my gifts. I remember what I’ve been put on this Earth to do. 

I remember how I want to be different than my mother and in this moment, I know without a doubt, I am nothing like her. 

There is no circumstance I can ever imagine that I would respond to one of my children in this way. 

Ever. 

As I sit and receive pure venom, I heal. 

I know myself – deeply and completely.

I like myself – oh, so much. 

I trust in myself, and the fact that I can under these conditions, is a miracle. 

Now, that I’ve put myself into such a vulnerable position with my own parents and survived, I know I can be vulnerable with my closest people. 

I’m ready. 

Hit reply. I’ll bear witness to your greatest vulnerability if you want to share. 

xxx, Kim

P.S. Tomorrow you get all of the goodies. 

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Journey

Intimacy Part 3

Why You Need to Care About Your KLT Factor 

Over the next few days, I’m sharing 5 super personal stories around INTIMACY that I feel need to be told, so we can all learn from them and make the best choices.   

Now for part 3. 

I’ve been on the healing mission to get to my KWAN and know joy is part of it, so I explore everything about joy I can get my hands on. I delve deeply into the feminine, reach into bliss, find ways to happiness and define joy to figure out the similarities and differences. 

After much reading, learning and talking, I realize I can define my ways for joy, but it’s actually so much deeper than just joy. (as if there’s such a thing as ‘just joy’). 

Here’s the thing. 

There’s another layer entirely. 

Before you get to experience joy in your daily life, you have to discover yourself – completely. 

You have to be on a mission of self-discovery. 

You have to know yourself at the deepest level. 

It’s also have to like yourself so you can love yourself and another – spouse, partner or child(ren). 

Underlying all of that is trust. You need to trust yourself so you can trust others. 

My mind reels with this awareness. 

Trust is hovering scarily within my brain, but I don’t reach for it yet as I’m mystified by a shiny object. 

It’s the KLT factor. 

I know the KLT factor. I talk about it all of the time with my clients. 

It’s a business term. KLT stands for – know, like and trust. People in business say it all of the time. 

The KLT conversation is about marketing and sales. Simply put: a prospective client needs to know, like and trust you before they buy from you. 

It makes perfect sense that someone would need to know, like and trust you before they invest any money with you. 

Then a lightbulb goes off in my head. 

Why would it be any different in your personal life? 

Certainly, a prospective lover would need to do the same as would a friend. 

People need to know, like and trust each other before they form lasting relationships.

It’s so obvious, why haven’t I thought of this before now? 

I ponder this a while and get really comfortable in the intellectual part. My mind revels in the weaving of a business term into the personal life. 

I look for clues in my own life. 

My clients know, like and trust me and my friends do too. My own family, as in my husband and children, know, like and trust me. 

Then, I get stymied when I think of my parents. They don’t know me at all. Is it possible for someone to get through like and trust without knowing? 

I turn it over and over in my brain. Can you like without trusting? Can you know without liking? Can you trust without knowing? 

Then it hits me. 

Trust. 

It’s the key. It’s the thing. 

And, it’s a big ask. 

The closer you are with someone; the more trust comes into play. 

Trust is the key. That pesky thing that’s swimming around in my brain that I’ve wanted to ignore. 

Yet, I continue my exploration of self-discovery and joyfully allow this thought to fritter away again. 

But, the universe has other plans. 

“You know you’re not fully trusting a friend when you always put yourself in the advisory seat,” I hear as I’m sitting in front of my mentor, Steven Forrest, as he’s talking about evolutionary astrology. 

I’m sitting blissfully amidst people I’ve come to know and like, so feel very comfortable. 

But with this one statement, his words shatter me to my core.  

I can’t hear anything after he says this statement. 

“…not fully trusting…advisory seat.”

His words take on such significance. I can’t ignore them. 

On the outside, everything looks the same, but on the inside, I’m in a complete panic.  

My mind reels as I think through all of my relationships. 

I run through my client list. 

They’re mostly business at this point so are relatively superficial. I offer my services to them and the level of know, like and trust is different with them. 

I’m okay here. 

I run through my own family. 

The children – they’re okay. My role with them at this age is advisory, so this is actually my sweet spot. 

Greg – yup, check. We’re doing good. 

Okay, I say to myself – calming just a little bit. 

Then, I think of my friends. 

Do I have really close friends? I mean those that you wear. 

I have 2 friends from high school and we’ve been through a ton together and I have one friend who I’m getting much closer to at this point. 

But to wear? 

When I think of my ‘best friends’ from that time, my mind explodes. 

I think of these friends and I realize I’ve been holding back just a little bit. I’m usually in the advisory seat with them. This keeps things at a distance – not a long one, but one just the same. 

“…not fully trusting…” 

It’s the trust thing. 

I think back to my parents and know that my issues with trust started there. 

Are you frigging kidding me after all of the healing? All of the inner work? All of the exploration about bliss, happiness and joy and now I’m stuck on trust. 

F&%K. 

Now, I’m on a trust mission. 

When will it stop? 

I want KWAN, so have healed every damn ancestral line, tons of past life, heart opening and so many other things and now I land on trust? 

Yup. 

It’s all about trust at this point. 

Hit reply if you want to – tell me how are you doing on the know, like, trust factor. 

xxx, Kim 

P.S. Tomorrow you’ll hear of my desperate attempt. Stay tuned. 

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Journey

Intimacy Part 2

Over the next few days, I’m sharing 5 super personal stories around INTIMACY that I feel need to be told, so we can all learn from them and choose a different path.   

Here’s part 2. 

It’s one thing to be resolute about changing something as big as the impact of a narcissistic mother and emotionally unavailable father while starting a family of your own and it’s another to actually do it. 

But, I’m on a mission. I’m not going to end up like my mother. 

Period. 

In fact, on my wedding day, I put Greg and one of my brothers on notice by giving them permission to say, “You’re being just like your mother,” if I become complete bitch.

Those are fighting words and I’ve given them away carte blanche without any remorse – that’s how serious I am about creating a new way.

Because, you see, my mother wasn’t born into a self-absorbed, bitter woman. She didn’t play in her sandbox thinking, “I’m going to grow up and emasculate my husband and berate my daughter.” 

It didn’t just happen overnight.  

She was conditioned into it.  

Slowly, but relentlessly. 

She was emotionally altered by her mother. 

My grandmother took away any confidence my mother may have developed as her mother (my great grandmother) took it away from her. 

This goes back generations and generations. 

The women on my mother’s side are an embittered lot. 

My grandmother was the eldest of 11 and her mother left this little girl to care for all of the children, that’s right, 11 of them, during the Great Depression. So, my grandmother’s joy factor was zero. Zilch. Nada.

Her mother before her was a poor pregnant teenager without an education. 

Going back through the line, there’s no joy – only duty and bitterness. You have to go back to the Gnostics actually to find any joy. 

Years, decades, centuries – no wonder my mother wasn’t happy. Her DNA’s programmed for absolutely no joy. 

Wait, I’m screwed as I have the same DNA. 

My DNA is programmed for joylessness and if mine is, then my children’s will be too. 

When I realize this, it shakes me to the core.

No way. 

NOT ON MY WATCH. 

I’m on a mission to break this chain. 

I won’t tolerate another generation of overlooked and unloved children. 

I know how to begin as I’ve had an astrologer for years and I’ve met my mentor for Akashic records healing. 

I also call in a shaman and take every intuitive and energy workshop I can find. I pursue heart opening with a vengeance. 

I’ve had experiences that seem surreal now: 

  • Meeting my ancestors on both sides traveling back through to the Gnostics on the maternal-maternal side and to Ancient Rome on my paternal-paternal side; 
  • Reconciling many past lives filled with persecution and violence, not belonging, dying too early, drowning in ghastly ways and being both the victim and victimizer;
  • Knowing my past relates back to Atlantis, Avalon and Lemuria;
  • Shamanic healing involving legions of women offering me peace, power and protection
  • Recognizing my personal lineage goes back to John Dee, astrologer to the Queen;
  • Responding to the ancestral request to bring joy to the entire line; 
  • Participating in a Kundalini yoga weekend for heart opening
  • Chanting with 100’s for 5-hours to open the heart’s knowing
  • Learning of my children’s soul lineage for healing and recovery; 
  • Discovering my shared karma with Greg for curative methods;
  • Opening all future possibility for each and every one of us. 

Reading the potential for my family members, I know deep in my heart, the chains of the unloved and overlooked are broken. (Also, I’ve gone back through the lines and yes, they are indeed broken and incredible healing has been done.) 

All of this is amazing yet even with this healing and heart exploration, I still don’t know my KWAN. 

I’m closer to it, certainly, but I don’t have it all of the way yet. 

And I’m a 100% kind of person. 

So, there’s more to come – much, much more. 

Hit reply if you have any healing epiphanies or remarkable stories to share. I would to hear all about them!

Until tomorrow, 

xxx, Kim

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Journey

Intimacy Part 1

It’s the mid-nineties and the movie, Jerry McGuire, has come out and in addition to being known for ‘show me the money’, there’s another bit about KWAN. It’s a made-up word describing everything the sports star in the movie is looking for – respect, community, dollars. Basically, KWAN is everything and more. 

“What’s your KWAN?” I’m asked at dinner by Dr. Bill, a friend of the new love of my life, Greg.  

I answer confidently describing my work, my graduate studies, my travels…he interrupts, “That’s not your KWAN, that’s just stuff you do.” 

I stutter and stammer describing that I’m more than my work and stuff I do, I’m a friend, sister, daughter, lover. 

“That’s not KWAN,” he talks over me again, “You don’t know.”

I’m really angry and want to lash out, but deep down I know he’s right. I don’t know. I have no idea what my KWAN is.  

I sit there stumped and it swirls around in my head, ‘What is my KWAN and how can’t I NOT know?’ 

Looking back, of course I know why I don’t know. In fact, there’s absolutely no way I could know. 

Looking back, I can remember the impact of my upbringing and how my mother smothered every single drop of ME out of me. There was no space for me to know anything about myself. 

When I pursued things she also pursued, everything was perfect. The minute I did anything outside of her experience, it didn’t exist and therefore, I didn’t exist. 

It would’ve been fine if I wanted the same things out of life that she did. But, I didn’t – at all. 

I wanted to travel, succeed in my career, pursue further studies and live on my own. I wanted to dive into cultural activities, go on adventures and discover new things.

Anything outside of a white picket fence with 2.2 children within a 10-mile radius of my family home was outside of my mother’s realm and brought out the worst in her.  

Memories run through my head:

  • I’m 24 and travel to Australia for 8 weeks. I return and it’s as if I didn’t go. Not a single question, no looking at photo albums or telling stories.
  • I get into the #1 graduate school for entrepreneurship and there’s no congratulatory moments. There’s only, “How are you ever going to meet a man if you go to school while you’re working?” 
  • I meet the man, Greg, the one of my dreams and we fall in love. I want to share the news that this is it. I’ve found The One. As I do I hear from her, “I’m going to commit suicide. There’s nothing for me to live for.” 

Along the same subject of love and commitment, there are other remembrances: 

The night of my birthday that year and my mother asks me, “Why hasn’t Greg asked you to marry him yet? He asked your father for your hand a month ago. It’s probably going to be tonight.” (It wasn’t. I had to wait a handful more days and those didn’t go well for my prospective fiancé.) 

For our wedding, there are no sharing of plans with my mother, no talking excitedly about the upcoming nuptials, no pouring over images or giggling over ideas. In fact, there isn’t even a shared cup of tea. 

On my wedding day (a beautiful intimate destination weekend at Castle Hill in Newport RI that Greg & I plan and fund completely), I show up in my parent’s room dressed in the gown I picked out by myself and I’m a little nervous as I hadn’t even tried the dress, veil, gloves and shoes on together until that moment. I stand there waiting for a response, my eyes shining with yearning and shyness. Her first comment lands powerfully, “Oh, you look beautiful, but your arms, they’re just so big.” 

I’m shattered, obviously, but have a beautiful wedding day despite her. 

But, this is the last straw. 

The one that breaks the camel’s back. 

I am resolute. 

I’m NOT going to end up like my mother, living too small a life. 

She’s so bitter, jealous and self-absorbed. 

When she’s not comfortable or familiar with the choices being made, she spends her time berating, belittling and emasculating those around her. 

Expending all of her energy either putting others down or propping herself up.  

Wallowing in delusion and denial about who she is and how she impacts others. 

I’m not going to live my life this way. Instead, I’m going to make my life bigger. 

I’m going to make my life into one that I love – just for me and my own family

I’m going to treat my future children differently. I’m going to show them that they matter. I’m going to give them the space to be themselves. 

I’m going to have a loving, respectful and healthy relationship with the love of my life. 

I’m going to discover my KWAN with my newly minted husband. 

I’m going to find out everything I need to know to live the life I want to live. 

This is a huge task, because I don’t have any idea what makes me truly happy. I can’t name the things that bring me joy. 

I’ve spent my 20’s proving myself to myself and now, in my early 30’s, I’m committing to another and focusing on growing a family. 

I’m going to have to figure this out for myself from the inside without changing anything on the outside. 

Hmmm…this is going to be a THING. 

But, I’m excited. 

Actually, I can’t wait to shed all of the expectations and conditioning. 

Hit reply if there’s anyone in your life who doesn’t see you? Who doesn’t let you be fully you? Who doesn’t lift you up? 

Let’s have a conversation. I want to hear all the things. 

xxx, Kim

P.S. Tomorrow’s tale is “Breaking the Chain for the Overlooked and Unloved”